A woman comes to your youth service to talk to you about her 15 year old daughter (who has never used your agency and who you have never met).
The mother says that if her daughter does not give up drugs she will throw her out of home. She has tried everything and nothing has got through to her. The mother asks you to contact the daughter to deal with her drug use.
You say it is best if the daughter initiates the contact, not you. The mother replies that her daughter won't do anything the mother ever suggests, but she might listen to someone outside like you. She urges you to contact her daughter.
What would you do?
If the mother was really persistent/ aggressive I may contact the daughter introduce myself and service, while letting her know I am contacting her because her mother came to me was very worried. I would invite the daughter to engage with the service and then leave it up to her.
ReplyDeleteI'm really torn on this one. I'm not sure that I would simply call the daughter and say 'hey, your mum wants me to call you!'
ReplyDeleteI would consider if there was some other way of getting in touch with her, or letting her know about the service, without calling on behalf of her mum.
however, if these efforts proved futile, then yes, maybe i would call and be honest about how I came to this call.
The biggest issue after this point, i imagine, would be the mother wanting updates of her daughter's progress.
I'm not sure how i would handle that? Maybe others out there could answer this?
Your approach to this one probably would vary depending on your service and who is defined as your primary client.
ReplyDeleteI would be reluctant to call the daughter but would provide mum with some relevant resources that mum could read. I don't think calling the daugther would get a worker anywhere anyway.
I'd also let mum know about other ways the daugther could contact a worker rather then making a phone call, be it a drop-in venue, an upcoming event or program that the daughter may-be interested in - may-be she might want to come to an event we are organising & meet a worker there. Less intimidating and an opportunity to meet with us in an informal seeting first before she decides if she wants to engage with the service.
I'd also discuss with mum the parameters of our service provision, what we can and can't provide and also around confidentiality and who our primary client is.
A parent ringing to discuss what they can do in relation to their son or daughter is an all too common experience. Some times it can be a parent who wants do dominate or direct their childs life. Mostly however I have found parents who are at their wits end and genuinely want the best for their son/daughter. My response usually is to give the parent time to express their worries and talk through some of the reasons why the issue has reached this point. Obviously this is only from the parents point of view. I would then explain that nobody can "fix" the daughter and the choice to address the issue has to be the daughters. I sometimes suggest support services that the mother might find helpful. I would also tell the mother that contact with her daughter would be confidential.
ReplyDeleteIn relation to contact, I would tell the mother to give my contact details to her daughter. If the mother assures me that her daughter will not get in touch it would usually indicate that the daughter is not wanting support. However, if the mother assured me that the daughter is scared or has difficulty speaking to unknown people then I would make an initial phone call stating that I had spoken to her mum, that she is worried etc. I would encourage her to come and see me or my staff, that the visit would be confidential and she would be under no obligation. After this I would not follow her or her mother up but wait and see if the daughter makes contact. If she does not then at least she knows there is a place she can go when she is ready.
Refer the mother to the closest Adolescent and Family Counsellor. They would work with both mother and daughter individually and probably together. This is their bread and butter - it's what they do all the time; and they have to the time to deal with it properly, not just on the run.There are probably many issues that need to be addressed, and many strengths and other aspects of both mother and daughter that can be relevant.
ReplyDeletePeter
i dont know how valuable my comment will be to this conversation but i find a few things from my own experience of running a youth group and with young girls going through the same thing (and their parents).
ReplyDeletei know that a parent that comes to you with those things to say are hurt by the behaviours of their daughter, but a simple fix my daughter solution does suggest that they want to 'resume' control of their daughter.
This can't happen. what this says to me in the first place is that their is some blockage in the mother and daughters relationship - i find the best thing for the mother to do is as one poster said " give relevant info to the mother on what she can do to help" but the reality is for some mothers that this does not give them the control back, they are reluctant to be patient with their daughter (because she may be putting herself in harmful positions in the meantime) but simply put, the daughter has to be in the mindset that she needs to change.
I have my own mother (and) mother in law going through the same thing with my younger siblings.
they have said to me jokingly "how can i fix her? - you should have all the answers" but the reality is i dont, and as the issue is not directly related to me, i cant provide accurate information. i stressed that loving them as they are, providing acceptance within the family and most of all dialogging or "2 way communication" is VERY important. there is no real right or wrong answer, every child will respond diferently. Patients love and understanding must be present in every situation.
last point - i do feel that parent/child counselling has its limits. especially if the daughter is forced to go - i know through conversation with a young girl teen that she purposely told the counsellor what she wanted to hear so she could stop going, but obviously this may not happen when the parent is present with their own child.
hope this helps in any way.
I would acknowledge the mothers strength in coming into the youth centre and recognise the challenges faced when parenting teenagers. I would also engage her by asking a few questions about when she observed changes in her daughter and whether or not she has discussed any issues with any other services or parents of her daughter’s friends. After obtaining some information that could be useful I would inform the mother of the services provided by the youth centre and recommend relevant services and resources that may be useful to her in this situation. I would also consider contacting the daughter’s school and if possible arrange an information session on drugs and the effects they have and the local services including the youth centre and the programs being run. This information session would be presented to the year the daughter is in and would be done in small group to maximise the effectiveness.
ReplyDeleteI would try and spend some more time with the mother. Sometimes the drug use can be a hint that there may be some other, more serious, underlying issue that needs to addressed. We don't know the full story of what is going on in that household at this stage, only that the daughter uses drugs and the mother insists that this use stops. The daughters drug use could simply be being mixed up in the wrong crowd, but it could also be a hint that there is something else much more serious going on that the mother hasn't yet told us (and she may not even be aware of). I'd also be very concerned about the mothers threat to throw the daughter out of home if she doesn't stop using drugs. This, in itself, tells me there is more going on in this household that simply the daughter using drugs and refusing to stop.
ReplyDeleteI defiantly would not be calling the daughter immediately for a lecture on drug use however. I would probably spend some more time with the mother to attempt to get a clearer understanding of what's else could be going on in the daughter life, something that could hint at a reason for the drug use. However, I think at some stage, I probably would also need to talk to the daughter about this also, to hear from her what's going on in her life. I do think, however, that she needs to talk voluntarily to ensure accuracy of what she tells us.
I would probably also try to find some info that would be relevant to the mothers situation, that could give idea's what else she could do. Maybe some brochures, website or similar for her to read.
A parent approaching your services asking for a "fixing" solution either is at their wits end or just simply cant be bothered with dealing with and owning any of the young persons behaviour. Theres a difference in asking for assistance and demanding it.
ReplyDeleteI dont think I would contact the young person, as that would steer them clear of the service knowing that a parent has contacted the service. A young person could get their defences up and think that there is a hiding agender to why you have contacted them.
I would refer the parent on to relevant services if this one didnt suit the needs of the client and suggest that they make the young person aware of the service.
The question that comes to my mind is "WHO" actually needs the assistance. The mother in my mind has the issue....
ReplyDeleteThere is no mention of legal or health issues or even what drug she's on.... as tome point someone needs to be able to stand up and say... wait up! Where is the real issue here!
The next question is... what sort of agency do we work for and what is out intake procedure.
Contacting any individual based on hearsay without supporting evidence would be foolish and unprofessional...
Perhaps suggesting family counselling may be an option to breaching the issue but still there needs to be allot of critical thinking go into this one!